FAITH, LOVE & HOPE

And so I’m 34, I kissed that 33 year good bye and sent it off on its merry way. Goodbye I’m glad to see the back of you. Its the start of my new chapter, this new beginning. The green shoot breaking through the burnt crisp felt. Here I am the new me, the same but slightly altered, slightly different and somewhat damaged but here I am ready to tackle this new life.

My birthday came and went quite uneventfully but I got to spend the weekend with my person, my Vinnie away in the bush just him and I and a group of our closest mates. We both really needed it after the year we had endured. We had the best time, laughing our hearts out, just relaxing; cuddling on a sunlounger enjoying the afternoon sun with an ice cold beer in our hands – this was the life. If this was a glimps of my new life I could quite comfortably get used to this. Watching the sunrise over Lake St Lucia and on that very same day watching the sun set and being grateful to be able to enjoy natures beauty.

Coming home after the weekend feeling refreshed and super excited about my last radiation and the fact that I could stand under a shower for as long as possible letting the water wash over me was the most exciting thing in my life right now. The small things ha ha.

The energy and excitement in my house on the morning of my last radiation was something else. I think Vince was the most excited. He has been giving me a count down on his fingers for the last 5 days. My kids were even doing last radiation happy dances. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There was such a euphoric energy around that morning.

The funny thing was I had felt so emotional over it all. I think while you are in the depths of turmoil you are merely trying to survive each day’s trouble. Taking 1 day at a time but when you start seeing the light of day, looking back those heavy emotions come flooding back.  My goodness if I look at what I have been through, what I have faced and how on earth did I actually manage to get through it all has amazed me. Yes I was strong and yes I was a warrior but there were definately days that I felt defeated, felt like I just couldn’t anymore. The thought of facing another chemo, just the thought alone would put me into a spin. And so I am facing these emotions now.

The morning of my radiation I gave Vince a hug and thanked him for his unconditional love and support. He never faultered in front of me. He was my rock, never ending smiling face and encouragement, he is my person. I thanked and hugged Carly my sister for her unconditional love, for the way she stepped up to fill the roll as “mother” when I was sick in bed, for never missing 1 single appointment or treatment. I hugged each of my girls for their unconditional love and for being the bravest little girls through this all.

And I am sending out hugs through the wifi airwaves too all my family near and far for their love and support. More hugs to my bestie Alison, forrest without you keeping me sane I actually don’t know!!! Hugs to Pauline for the love and Moet ;). Hugs to each and everyone of my friends for the meals cooked, the visits, the messages of encouragement and of course unconditional love. Man oh man how does a person do it on their own because without all these special people in my life this road would have been so much more difficult to walk. I love you all and thank you from the deepest part of my fragile heart ❤

And so back to radiation……….. I got undressed and lay down on the radiation table for the very last time. The machine did its usual clicking and whirring and buzzing and boom it was over. IT WAS ALL OVER. How did I feel? I actually wasn’t sure to be honest. Over the moon it was over yet scared that I needed to carry on with life. Also the security blanket of seeing my oncologist every week wouldn’t be there. I only see him again in 6 weeks. What on earth was I going to do till then? Yes and so my overthinking brain did what it does best………..

These are the beautiful people that have seen me through the last 10 months of treatment. They were there as well when my mom was sick so I have gotten to know them better over the last year. The oncology nurses: Rene (right of me), Babitha (left of me), Linda (missing). The pharmacist who mixed up my cocktails: Jenny (far left), and last but not least Candice (far right) the lady that did my bloods every week. And then the radiation team: Esmaree (left), Kevashnie (right), Nigel (missing). These are my people that I have become very attached too. I have gotten to know them on a personal level, they are like my family. Thank you to them too for all the tenderness and care they showed throughout my treatment as well as my mom’s.

I made myself a little collage of the last 10 months of each treatment and its damn scary what I have put my body through. The fact we have to make ourselves sick to make us better but I would do it again if it means saving my life

I started this journey scared out of my wits and slowly through the processes have become calmer and calmer about the whole situation. I read something that another woman with cancer wrote and I found that is really resonated with me. It perfectly describes what I feel:

Greek philosophers called ataraxia, a suspended kind of calm in which you can find a surprising strength.

So I sat at my computer for a long while not really knowing what to write about this last little leg of my journey but here I am 1000 words down and I suppose once I got started there was no stopping me.

Can’t wait for that damn shower…………